A Whole Lot of Grief in a Very Small Apartment
by DrMarthaJones
Summary: After the events of Infinity War, Tony visits Aunt May to inform her of Peter's death, and finds her grief a bit too much to handle. Also posted on AO3


Tony raised his fist and held it in front of the door, willing himself to knock. He couldn't believe Pepper was making him do this. He knew it was the right thing to do, but every fibre in his body wanted him to turn around and run. A sick part of him was hoping that she wouldn't be there, that she was gone too.

He shook his head, trying to shake the thoughts out. He had a responsibility, and he wasn't gone to shirk it. Besides, it's what Peter would have wanted.

With that, he rapped sharply on the door. For a moment, he heard nothing (perhaps she really was gone), but then he heard faint footsteps, the sound of the chain being pulled off the door, and it was opened.

"Ms. Parker," Tony greeted her.

This was not the same woman Tony had met ages ago. The woman who had opened the door then had been glamourous – he hadn't just been goading Peter when he said so – and friendly and chipper. This time May Parker looked frail somehow, with bags under her eyes, sallow cheeks, unbrushed hair; an oversized sweater hung off her frame. It looked as if she hadn't eaten in ages and hadn't changed her clothes in twice as long. She looked at him in confusion and slight annoyance for disturbing her vigil, but when she recognized who he was, her entire face lit up, her eyes came alive.

"Oh, Thank God, he's with you!" May cried, peering past him as if Peter was going to jump out of the next apartment and yell "Surprise!"

"No," Tony said quickly – too quickly, too harshly, but he didn't want to give her false hope; he knew how devastating that was. "No, I'm sorry May, but he's not with me. He's not…"

Tony watched her face fall as if in slow motion. Her eyes sparked as she understood, then turned dull, turned downcast and her brow furrowed. He watched her gulp and chew on her bottom lip as tears came into her eyes. Her shoulders hunched. She stood frozen in the doorway, unaware of him, processing.

Tony cleared his throat. "Um, Ms. Parker, may I come in?"

She just stared at him for a moment before abruptly turning around and walking into the apartment. Tony followed her.

No mediocre walnut date loaf was offered this time; the place was a mess. There was a wool blanket on the couch, as if she had been falling asleep there, and empty plates left on the floor in front of it, interspersed with dirty clothes. Tony stepped on something and looked down to find a family photo album on the ground. It was opened to a page with a red ribbon taped in, next to a photo of a pre-pubescent Peter holding said ribbon at what appeared to be some kids' science fair. The pages looked smooshed, as if the book had been thrown across the room. The TV was on, turned to the news, reading off the constant stream of confirmed dead. Unfortunately, she wasn't going to get any closure that way. _He_ had to give it to her.

May stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed, shoulders hunched; Tony was not pleased to notice she had tears silently running down her face now.

Tony cleared his throat again. This is what he had come to say. "I came to inform you…" he choked and had to try again. "I came to tell you that Peter…he…" He couldn't bring himself to say the words, although he knew she deserved to hear them. There was a slight roaring in his ears.

"I know," May said, her voice surprisingly clear. "I already know."

She sniffed and wiped her face on her sleeve. Tony stayed frozen. He was never great at these sorts of moments.

"Ned said he went after that space thing, and he wouldn't answer his phone – and I told him – I _told_ him if he was ever out 'Spiderman-ning' and he didn't answer his phone he would be grounded till he was thirty. And then people started disappearing, and I _still_ don't understand why, no matter how many times the U.N. tries to explain it." Her voice was raspy.

She took a long shuddering breath and looked Tony right in the eye. He couldn't stand it; he didn't want to deal with the raw grief on her face. He focused instead on the wall behind her head, but there was another picture of Peter there, riding piggy back on an unfamiliar man – father or uncle? – either way it didn't help.

"Did Peter –" May raised her hand, fluttering her fingers away into the air; apparently she had no words for what had happened either, "or did he at least go down fighting?"

Tony felt his breath escape him. "He…was very brave. But no, he…disappeared." Tony said, trying hard not to remember that moment.

May nodded, her jaw set, a fresh set of tears running down her face. "Was he scared?"

Why, why would she ask him that? Was he supposed to lie to make her feel better? Pepper would probably say no.

"Yes, May, he was. But he wasn't alone."

May chuckled, although it was clear she was not in the least bit amused. "Oh, I'm supposed to be glad that you were with him?"

"May, I didn't ask him to come," Tony said, leaving out the fact that he hadn't turned down his help either. "He saw trouble and he wanted to help. He's a good kid." They both heard it, before Tony corrected himself. "Was."

She didn't say anything, just stood there crying.

"And, he did get to help, he did get to fight, and he did good. We almost got the gauntlet off Thanos, Peter nearly had it – but then that idiot Starlord…" There was no point reliving that moment.

"What?" May snapped, clearly not understanding a word he had just said. "What the fuck are you talking about? And why should I care? It doesn't change anything."

Tony was trying to give her something positive to focus on, to let her know that Peter had held his own against Thanos and hadn't gone down without a fight. "I'm saying you can be proud of him."

"I was already proud of him!" May shouted with such force Tony found himself taking a step back. Her voice shot up two octaves. Tony was forced to look at her now, and saw only unhinged fury. "I was already proud of him, before you kidnapped him and made him fight –"

"I didn't kidnap him –"

"You took him halfway across the world without his guardian's consent –"

"I –"

"You made him fight against the world's most experienced heroes, you gave him some stupid suit so he could fight better –"

"I gave him that for protection, a onesie wasn't going to stop bullets –" Tony defended himself. This wasn't his fault. It couldn't be.

"You took my sweet kid and told him he could – could – what, fight crime? Save the world? He's not a cop, he's not a superhero! But what was he gonna do after a billionaire waltzed into his living room?"

"But he _is_ a superhero," Tony said. No one could ever deny that now, not after his performance on Titan. "Peter could handle it. And he was already doing it anyway, how do you think I found out about him?"

"But not like this," yelled May, gesturing wildly, vaguely in the direction of the TV, which was now panning over the devastation in Wakanda for the millionth time. Tony knew what she meant – not on this scale, not in space, not against the most dangerous creature in the universe.

"In any case, it wasn't the fighting that killed him – it was Thanos and it would have happened anyway," Tony said, willing it to be true. Even if they hadn't been on Titan, this would have happened, Tony told himself. People had been eliminated at random; it wasn't his fault.

May laughed. "Get out of my house."

Peter would not be happy about the way Tony had handled this. Kid was fiercely protective of his aunt's feelings, and he had majorly screwed this up. He couldn't leave her worse off than he found her.

"We've all lost people, May," he said, although Pepper popped into his head, safe at home. "Everyone has. And…" this was hard for him to admit, but it was true: "I cared about the kid; I lost Peter too, so I know how you must be feeling," Tony said, hoping to connect with her, to shoulder some of her misery, though he was so spectacularly bad at it.

May snorted with such derision Tony felt like he had been shoved. Her eyes flashed in anger. "How can you say that? You have _no idea_ what it's like to lose a child."

"I think I do; I cared about him, May," Tony said.

"Do _you_ know what it's like to lose someone whose ass you used to wipe?" May asked suddenly, her head and her whole frame shaking with emotion, sending Tony stepping back again. Her long hair was sticking to the fresh tears flowing down her face.

"Do _you_ know what it's like to lose someone whose vomit you've scrubbed out of _your_ carpets, whose pee you've washed out of _your_ sheets, whose snot you've wiped, whose scabs you've kissed? Do you know what it's like to lose someone whose drawings you've washed off your walls? Someone who's broken your lamps and vases and good dishes? Who made you watch forty _thousand_ reruns of SpongeBob? Someone who grows two feet every time you buy him new clothes?"

Tony stood there and closed his eyes against her onslaught, seriously regretting his last choice of words. He had his own grief, he didn't want to feel her pain too. It was like a tidal wave crashing into him, and she wasn't even done.

"Someone who used to sleep in your bed every Christmas because he was scared of Santa Claus? Someone who once made you a peanut butter and lettuce sandwich for a surprise breakfast-in-bed? Someone who never forgets to bring you flowers on Mother's Day, even though you're not…" She was deflating now, speaking more in sadness than in anger, and it was starting to be difficult to understand her through her sobs. "Someone who you've held as he cried himself to sleep? Someone you _promised_ you would keep safe?" May whispered. Her head fell forward and she slouched back onto the arm of her couch, her arms wrapped around herself. "And I failed. I failed his parents, I failed my husband, and I failed him." She shook her head. "I should never have let him go on with the Spiderman thing. I should have locked him in his room. I should have put that stupid suit down the garburator."

"May, you can't really believe that," Tony said sadly. If that's what parental figures were really supposed to do, he had failed worse than he thought. "There are people alive today because of Peter, because he stood up and did something." At least, if they hadn't disappeared along with half the universe. "You raised a good man."

May didn't say anything. She still stared at the floor. Her sobs started coming loudly and Tony started to feel awkward, standing in the middle of her living room. Looking around, he began to notice signs of Peter: battered running shoes by the door, a hoodie with a pie chart on it thrown over the back of a kitchen chair, a biology textbook still opened on the table, where he must have left it the night before his field trip. May hadn't touched any of these signs of him. As much as she said she knew even before he walked through the door, Tony wondered if she'd left these out in the hope that Peter would be back to use them. What would she do with them now?

"May, we're going to defeat Thanos. The Avengers, we're not going to let him get away with this," Tony said.

May shook her head. "Will that bring him back?"

Tony paused. He found it hard to believe they could all go on with half the universe missing. But what else could they do? "No," he sighed.

"Then I don't care," she said.

Tony finally felt a tear roll down his check and cursed. That was unfamiliar. There was only one more thing he could say.

"I'm sorry, May,"

Silence, except for May's tears, which had not abetted. Then, "He was my baby."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"And now he's gone," May squeaked.

"I'm sorry," Tony said. He realized it was all he had come here to say. It was the only thing he could say.

"I know you are," May said, sucking in a deep breath and getting her sobs under control. "I know you are, Mr. Stark."

They stood in silence for a moment more.

"You said everyone had lost people in this…whatever happened. Well, not me. I only lost one. I only had one left to lose."

Tony gulped. He had to get out of here, before he started sobbing himself. "I know there's nothing I can do, Ms. Parker."

"No."

"So, do you want me to go?"

"Yes."

Tony nodded. "Right. Okay," he said as he was turning around.

He strode awkwardly to the hall, turning around simply to say, "Eat something," before closing the door.

As soon as the door clicked shut he heard her loud, heaving sobs resume.

Tony closed his eyes against the noise, took a deep breath, and walked away.


End file.
